Once upon a time there lived a Desi princess in Ratnagiri in India. She had weally, weally long hair.....and she knew dis scrummi prince and she supported Arsenal FC & liked listening to ol'skool hip hop from the early 80's n she looked like Ash Rai the tart. The prince was called Rajkumar (obviously) and his father was the most powerful king throughout the whole of India. Rajkumar was madly in love with the princess, but she had other plans.... other plans in South London.
One foggy autumn day, she ran away from Ratnagiri and ended up on Tooting Broadway... looking for the elusive other. She then ran away 2 Southall because she was hungry, and wanted… ummm… pakore. In Southall, she bumped into skippinder, the Punjabi kangaroo who had stowed away in a ship from India, who introduced her to this rudebwoy Juggi in Southall. Juggi then introduced her to his cru; Jas, Gurpreet, Taz, Raz, Baz, Faz, Maz., Chaz n Daz... and then they bought her a mobile phone so she wudn't feel left out... then she was introduced to Barfiville n it's evil ways then she became a rudegyal and her fav wrd was INNIT!
Juggi then nicked her... ummm fone... then twinkle toes (aka sunny) made her ummm... upset... and she began to have a drinking problem... She suffered from severe depression after she joined Barfiville; she became a net addict... this addiction proved so strong that she told Juggi, Gurpreet, Taz, Raz...the rest of the cru... that she cudn't go cruising down Southall Broadway the addiction grew, along with the affliction of being separated from her cru... she wanted to do both cruising and surfing... what was she to do?? She came to a decision, it was the net, or the cru... she chose the cru... the computer and sunny were thrown out, along with his 6 pack of Barfi.
She decided she wanted to marry one of the cru...but who?? She decided on faz..... they wedding was arranged... and at Southall registry office, they were just abt to be declared husband and wife, when Rajkumar walked in *eerie music: dun… dun… dun…* Rajkumar bends down on one knee and says "aaajjja sooohhhnnnnneyyyyaaaaa, i loooovvvve juuuuuu" but then Juggi burst into the registry office & says "sori baby innit... T cudn’t help tax ur fone... safe... I love u babe tough u r wel fit." The princess confused... who shall I pick outta the 3
The princess is shell-shocked; she looks like she has just seen her pappa whilst having sex with his best friend in his bed she has to make another decision: do I stay or do I go? *every1 changes clothes and bursts into song* "do I stay or do I go now??? If I stay there will be trouble, if I go it will be double" (well it wudn’t b an Indian story with out a song innit' :p) then she runs away with Taz. Oh yeah a she... ummm... grabbed her fone of Juggi... Juggi is left heartbroken.
Taz and the princess are in the African jungle, to their left their is a treacherous river leading to a waterfall, to their right there is a herd of elephants... they must get past either to reach safety they jump into the river and hold on. They become soaked to the bone. and all clothing becomes very clingy...they discard them, but sumwhere along the river, they fall into a big whole with the water and they travel for 5hrs, finally ending up in the palace of Ratnagiri... and guess who's there to welcome them... Rajkumar!
Rajkumar is shocked at the two naked bodies; he covers his eyes and runs screaming into the palace "mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" out comes the queen "salee kuthe bhenchoud" she shouts at Faz, who is now cowering behind the princess... the princess stands up and in her best landan accent says "listen DROOPY, leave me n ma man alone, aite! now gimme sum phucking clothes u biatch" the queen, glowering with rage gives Rajkumar a thappar "how cud ju even tink of marryin such a girl...u vill bring dishonor to this family" turning to the Princess, she shouts "Get out! Get out! Get out!"
Faz.. now holding his parts... coz he's errm kinda embarrassed... jumps back down the hole and the princess follows him. They swim against the current for 10hrs; finally ending up in Southall sewage works. once in the sewage works, they have to go through the purification process and they then travel down the pipes and become lodged in somebody's water tank along with a couple of dead pigeons, who unfortunately met their maker through drowning RIP Pigeonz ... they start screaming, the princess shouting in her best landan accent "Get us outta her u damn phools" Faz: "Somebody please! Please!Please! Help us!" There's is a slight twanking and a slight knocking and the water begins to leak out...the pigeons however get sucked down to the hole, stopping the leak and suddenly the tank is forced open......
"BASTARD" shouts Juggi... simultaneously Juggi riddles Faz's LIMP body with bullets from his Ak47 "MMMMMMMUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYY"shouts Faz, who falls, still holding his bits...which now seem to be squashed and curdled to a pulp, onto the floor. the princess stands shocked... for once that loud mouth has no words coming out of it... Juggi grabs her, turns her round, bends her over... and gives her the biggest slap on the bottom that Southall has ever heard... it reverberates around the town for several minutes, with all budhis stopping in their tracks and listening... the princess still in shock says. "Rah Juggi blud, where da phuck did u learn to slap like that? raaaaaahhhh gwan do it again" Jujji, looking decidedly bemused, makes his excuses and makes a quick exit... the princess however follows him, but Juggi jumps into his red fiesta xr3i with sub-woofer speakers blaring Punjabi Mc, and drives down to Heathrow to check out the newly arrived freshie desis...
The Princess, with nothing better to do, decides to jump on the bus and go shopping, so she gets on the bus, and guess who is there... that’s right, Rajkumar innit'... The Story of Rajkumar: After his mum saw the girl Rajkumar wished to marry, she banished him to Southall and he learnt to become a bus driver.... "aaajjjaaa sohneya" shouts Rajkumar...he jumps out of the seat, grabs the princess, tears off her clothes, and the scrawny prince and the once beautiful princess start coupling in the middle of the road in front of Southall's finest budhis...at which point they are run over by a HGV. Moral of the Story: never marry a freshie princess, and don’t trust any1 called Juggi, Jas, Gurpreet, Taz, Raz, Baz, Faz, Maz, Chaz, Daz, or even Rajkumar.
AND THE BUDHIS OF SOUTHALL ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
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